How Much Is Desire for Others Affecting Your Relationship? (2024)

Do you suspect that your partner may have their eye on a potential alternative to you right now? If so, how much do you think they may desire this alternative? How much do you think this situation could influence your current relationship?

Similarly, do you have a potential alternative in your life right now? How much do you desire them, and is this affecting your current relationship?

On the one hand, you want to preserve your current relationship, yet you are also experiencing attraction to someone else. How long can this situation exist without it affecting your emotional well-being? It may surprise you to learn that nearly three-quarters of people report thinking about a potential alternative (someone other than their partner who they find attractive).

To test some of the above questions, researcher Giulia Zoppolat from the Department of Experimental and Applied Psychology, Vrije Universiteit, Amsterdam, and her colleagues conducted a series of studies to examine the connection between the presence of alternatives and our feelings of ambivalence in our current relationship (Zoppolat, Faure, Alonso-Ferres & Righetti, 2022).

In their first study, the participants, all of whom reported that they had identified alternative partners, were assigned to one of two groups. Group one was instructed to think about an alternative partner, while group two was instructed to think about a same-sex friend. Group one was then asked to write about what they liked about their alternative, why they found them attractive, and what they would do on a hypothetical date. This was intended to increase the desire for their alternative partner. Group two was instructed to write about what they liked about their friend and what they would do on an outing together.

Participants in each group were then tested on two things, which were subjective ambivalence towards their current partner (to what extent they had mixed feelings towards them and to what extent they had conflicted emotions or thoughts towards them) and desire for their alternative partner (how attractive is this person and to what extent would this person be an appealing romantic partner).

Desire for an alternative partner

The researchers failed to find any difference between the two groups in subjective ambivalence towards their current partners. However, there was a difference between the two groups in their reported desire for their alternative, with group one (who were instructed to think about their alternative partner) experiencing a greater desire for them compared to group two. Most importantly, it was participants’ levels of desire for their alternative that influenced ambivalence towards their current partner.

In two further studies, participants who reported having an alternative in their lives completed a questionnaire and kept a diary record of their thoughts and feelings. The questionnaire asked participants to rate their alternative partner in terms of their desire for them and to indicate the number of alternatives they had (how many they might be interested in dating and who they thought might be interested in dating them).

In their diaries, participants reported on their interest in their alternative (e.g., “Today, how often did I have thoughts of a physically or emotionally attractive person?”; “Today, I flirted with one alternative”). Participants also gave an account of their subjective ambivalence toward their current partner, their current relationship satisfaction, desire for change, and personal well-being. Lastly, they gave a daily evaluation of their partner in terms of their positive and negative feelings towards them.

Desire leads to ambivalence

Similar to study one, an association was found between thinking about an alternative partner and ambivalence towards a current partner; more specifically, it was the desire for the alternative that was the crucial factor. Indeed, the diary data revealed that regular daily interest in an alternative tends to lead to greater current partner ambivalence. Furthermore, daily flirting with an alternative was also related to ambivalence toward a current partner. Partner ambivalence was then found to influence participants’ relationship satisfaction, desire for a change of partner, thoughts of breakup, and overall satisfaction with life.

The researchers found that most participants reported thinking about an alternative partner (68.8 percent in Study 1 and 75.3 percent in Study 2). However, just having an alternative did not in itself threaten a relationship; rather, it was participants’ desire for the alternative that made the difference and increased current partner ambivalence levels.

Desire, not quantity

In terms of the number of alternatives, around 22 percent of participants reported none, 14 percent reported one alternative, some 44 percent reported two to three, nearly 14 percent reported four to five, and 6 percent reported six or more. The number of alternatives was not found to be associated with ambivalence towards a current partner, which suggests that it is not the quantity of potential alternatives that is important.

The overall finding seems to be that it is the desire for an alternative partner that leads to greater ambivalence, not ambivalence that leads to a greater desire for an alternative. In some ways, this casts doubt on the “my partner neglects me” reason often given to justify cheating, as it seems that it is the desire for an alternative that leads to ambivalence about the current partner and not the other way around.

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